4 Ways To Increase Worldwide Respect For The President

For most of America's history, the President has held the respect and admiration of the world. Since the mid-70s, however, the President has become a source of ridicule. Nixon started the downfall of the President's honor, resigning amidst a web of lies and his infamous quote. Ford's brief stay was punctuated with more pratfalls than an episode of Three's Company. Former ACTOR Ronald Reagan could barely remember his own name by the end of his second term, let alone the name of foreign leaders. Jimmy Carter dealt with a killer rabbit. Most people would point to Dana Carvey when asked to select the picture of the first George Bush. Clinton's trysts were beamed around the world. Finally, we have our current President single-handedly keeping The Tonight Show on the air.

Clearly, something needs to be done. With media exposure and the plethora of "comedians" these days, the President needs help. Here are a few suggestions to help bring the President back to his position as a man of respect.

1. Presidential Names
At the Presidential Inauguration, the President should be given a special Presidential Name. Like the Pope or an Emperor, the President ascends above mere mortals for his term in office; his name should reflect this new status. There are several naming conventions that could be used for the President. George Bush could become President Abraham Jefferson, combining the names of several beloved, past Presidents. George Bush could also become President George the Mighty, reflecting the power of his position. In either case, the new title would make it harder for people to deride the President. Conan O'Brien would think twice before putting fake lips on the President and making him talk like Elmer Fudd.

2. Bowing/Kneeling
There's a reason that we have always bowed or kneeled before kings; even if it's forced, it is a sign of respect. Also, it's harder to notice the screw-ups when your head is down. Clinton could have written off his fling with Monica Lewinsky as nothing more than a very long, close-quartered kneeling session.

3. Bling
These days, the gold around your neck will earn you more respect than any title. The President should be pimped out; his gold would shine the brightest, his Kangol should be tipped at a devil-may-care angle, and his Armani suit should be so shiny that you have to look away. I want the President to roll up in a decked-out caddy that would make P. Diddy's jaw drop.

4. I'm Going to Make Him an Offer He Can't Refuse
Take a lesson from The Godfather - don't let anyone disrespect the President. Secret Service Agents should not be passive; if they see someone holding up a "BUSH IS KILLING AMERICANS" sign, they should take down the protester in a barrage of fists and billy clubs. When Jon Stewart wakes up with David Letterman's severed head between the sheets, you better believe the jokes on The Daily Show will turn towards the President's opponents.

Conclusion

Even implementing a few of these methods will result in a large increase of respect given to our President. Respect that is due to him by the very nature of his position, regardless of his intelligence, background, sexual deviations, annoying habits, inconsistent behavior, or lack of humanity.