Accurate Psychic Predictions For 2008

We consulted a panel of 12 renowned psychics, for their predictions for 2008. If the same prediction was made by more than one psychic, we determined that the prediction was accurate. How can two psychics be wrong? Exactly our point. Anyway, here were the consensus predictions:

1) Fruits and Vegetables will be banned by the government in an attempt to encourage a completely carnivorous diet, since meat-eaters are "tougher".

2) Jean Claude Van Damme's secret identity will be revealed to be Dolph Lundgren, who is actually Brigitte Nielsen. It sounds impossible, but that's what makes it even more true.

3) All restaurants allowing customers to drop peanut shells on the floor will be burned to the ground by an Act of God on July 12, 2008. Any such restaurant missed by God will be burned to the ground the next day by arsonists, none of whom will be arrested or charged, since they were enforcing God's will.

4) The final functioning 8 track player will cease to operate on or about October 3. By "about", the psychics were reasonably sure to within 2-15 years of this date.

5) All cashiers will be promoted to management.

6) The Chinese Olympics will go off without a hitch, thanks to the summary executions of 23,800 lazy construction workers, and 3,200 do-nothing bureaucrats. The 27,000 new workers adopted a "git'er done" attitude almost immediately, according to IOC observers.

7) The World's Strongest Man in 2008 will be Large of Girth, and of Firm Stock. Interestingly, the three psychics that arrived at this prediction disagreed whether this man was bald, or possessing long, flowing locks.

8) Shirley Hemphill will be found very much alive, having spent the last few years "chilling", as she put it.