The 4 Most Amazing People You've Never Heard Of

Gregory Copperstache

Mr. Copperstache was an inventor, explorer, and philanthropist in the mid-twentieth century. In 1949, he survived for nine days in the Gobi Desert on nothing but a packet of Equal and a single drop of urine. In 1957, he donated his left leg to Grambling University to replace the leg of their all-American place-kicker Derone Chewy, who used the donated leg to kick the winning field-goal against Southern U in the annual Home-coming game.

Vincent V. Vicarsen

Vincent Vicarsen was known for three things: his love of cribbage, a mild case of the shingles, and the ability to predict the horse-races with uncanny accuracy. After making a mint betting off-track races throughout the Heartland, Vincent turned to the long-con, bilking such notables as Billy the Kid and Al Capone. In 1968 he went missing - eventually turning up in San Juan with a lobotomy scar and a checkered shirt. He was never able to predict horse-races again, but he still was a fine cribbage player.

Tom Van Damme

Brother to inspirational martial-artist Jean Claude Van Damme, Tom is pretty amazing in his own right. Born completely blind, Tom learned that his other senses were heightened to make up for his lost sense. He can tell the difference between an orange and a tangerine simply by tasting them. Tom is able to identify people by listening to their voices as long as not too many people are talking at the same time. He can also detect the difference between most coins (U.S.) by simply touching them with his fingers.

Richard Hatcannery

This guy was really something. Born in Scotland in 1920, he made his mark building miniature Viking ships, complete with miniature Vikings. They had really cute little spears and shields and such. People really went gaga over them. When Vikings fell out of favor in the mid-50s, he shifted to Aztecs and Mayans, but they never really caught on. He made a really detailed Tlacaelel though.

Accurate Psychic Predictions For 2008

We consulted a panel of 12 renowned psychics, for their predictions for 2008. If the same prediction was made by more than one psychic, we determined that the prediction was accurate. How can two psychics be wrong? Exactly our point. Anyway, here were the consensus predictions:

1) Fruits and Vegetables will be banned by the government in an attempt to encourage a completely carnivorous diet, since meat-eaters are "tougher".

2) Jean Claude Van Damme's secret identity will be revealed to be Dolph Lundgren, who is actually Brigitte Nielsen. It sounds impossible, but that's what makes it even more true.

3) All restaurants allowing customers to drop peanut shells on the floor will be burned to the ground by an Act of God on July 12, 2008. Any such restaurant missed by God will be burned to the ground the next day by arsonists, none of whom will be arrested or charged, since they were enforcing God's will.

4) The final functioning 8 track player will cease to operate on or about October 3. By "about", the psychics were reasonably sure to within 2-15 years of this date.

5) All cashiers will be promoted to management.

6) The Chinese Olympics will go off without a hitch, thanks to the summary executions of 23,800 lazy construction workers, and 3,200 do-nothing bureaucrats. The 27,000 new workers adopted a "git'er done" attitude almost immediately, according to IOC observers.

7) The World's Strongest Man in 2008 will be Large of Girth, and of Firm Stock. Interestingly, the three psychics that arrived at this prediction disagreed whether this man was bald, or possessing long, flowing locks.

8) Shirley Hemphill will be found very much alive, having spent the last few years "chilling", as she put it.