Accurate Psychic Predictions For 2008

We consulted a panel of 12 renowned psychics, for their predictions for 2008. If the same prediction was made by more than one psychic, we determined that the prediction was accurate. How can two psychics be wrong? Exactly our point. Anyway, here were the consensus predictions:

1) Fruits and Vegetables will be banned by the government in an attempt to encourage a completely carnivorous diet, since meat-eaters are "tougher".

2) Jean Claude Van Damme's secret identity will be revealed to be Dolph Lundgren, who is actually Brigitte Nielsen. It sounds impossible, but that's what makes it even more true.

3) All restaurants allowing customers to drop peanut shells on the floor will be burned to the ground by an Act of God on July 12, 2008. Any such restaurant missed by God will be burned to the ground the next day by arsonists, none of whom will be arrested or charged, since they were enforcing God's will.

4) The final functioning 8 track player will cease to operate on or about October 3. By "about", the psychics were reasonably sure to within 2-15 years of this date.

5) All cashiers will be promoted to management.

6) The Chinese Olympics will go off without a hitch, thanks to the summary executions of 23,800 lazy construction workers, and 3,200 do-nothing bureaucrats. The 27,000 new workers adopted a "git'er done" attitude almost immediately, according to IOC observers.

7) The World's Strongest Man in 2008 will be Large of Girth, and of Firm Stock. Interestingly, the three psychics that arrived at this prediction disagreed whether this man was bald, or possessing long, flowing locks.

8) Shirley Hemphill will be found very much alive, having spent the last few years "chilling", as she put it.

4 Ways To Increase Worldwide Respect For The President

For most of America's history, the President has held the respect and admiration of the world. Since the mid-70s, however, the President has become a source of ridicule. Nixon started the downfall of the President's honor, resigning amidst a web of lies and his infamous quote. Ford's brief stay was punctuated with more pratfalls than an episode of Three's Company. Former ACTOR Ronald Reagan could barely remember his own name by the end of his second term, let alone the name of foreign leaders. Jimmy Carter dealt with a killer rabbit. Most people would point to Dana Carvey when asked to select the picture of the first George Bush. Clinton's trysts were beamed around the world. Finally, we have our current President single-handedly keeping The Tonight Show on the air.

Clearly, something needs to be done. With media exposure and the plethora of "comedians" these days, the President needs help. Here are a few suggestions to help bring the President back to his position as a man of respect.

1. Presidential Names
At the Presidential Inauguration, the President should be given a special Presidential Name. Like the Pope or an Emperor, the President ascends above mere mortals for his term in office; his name should reflect this new status. There are several naming conventions that could be used for the President. George Bush could become President Abraham Jefferson, combining the names of several beloved, past Presidents. George Bush could also become President George the Mighty, reflecting the power of his position. In either case, the new title would make it harder for people to deride the President. Conan O'Brien would think twice before putting fake lips on the President and making him talk like Elmer Fudd.

2. Bowing/Kneeling
There's a reason that we have always bowed or kneeled before kings; even if it's forced, it is a sign of respect. Also, it's harder to notice the screw-ups when your head is down. Clinton could have written off his fling with Monica Lewinsky as nothing more than a very long, close-quartered kneeling session.

3. Bling
These days, the gold around your neck will earn you more respect than any title. The President should be pimped out; his gold would shine the brightest, his Kangol should be tipped at a devil-may-care angle, and his Armani suit should be so shiny that you have to look away. I want the President to roll up in a decked-out caddy that would make P. Diddy's jaw drop.

4. I'm Going to Make Him an Offer He Can't Refuse
Take a lesson from The Godfather - don't let anyone disrespect the President. Secret Service Agents should not be passive; if they see someone holding up a "BUSH IS KILLING AMERICANS" sign, they should take down the protester in a barrage of fists and billy clubs. When Jon Stewart wakes up with David Letterman's severed head between the sheets, you better believe the jokes on The Daily Show will turn towards the President's opponents.

Conclusion

Even implementing a few of these methods will result in a large increase of respect given to our President. Respect that is due to him by the very nature of his position, regardless of his intelligence, background, sexual deviations, annoying habits, inconsistent behavior, or lack of humanity.

4 Locations of Dangerous Snakes

Snakes are nature's most dangerous unlegged reptiles and should be avoided at all costs. How you should respond to a snake depends on the location that the snake is encountered:

1. Middle Eastern Snakes
Snakes in the Middle East generally inhabit hand-woven wicker baskets or ancient temples. Be very wary when purchasing hand-woven wicker baskets in these lands. Before buying, always check inside the basket. If a snake is living in it, ask the merchant to charm the snake before you'll buy it (remember to haggle!). The merchant will pull out a recorder and play some soothing (to snakes) music which will charm the snake right out of its skin! At this point, the basket is safe for you and your family.

If the snake is living in an ancient temple, it likely has companions! The scary part about a hiss of snakes (which is what a group of snakes is called) is that there will be every type of snake possible living in the temple, so you can't know for certain if the snake will try to poison you or crush you to death. Use torches to keep the snakes at bay while you search for a hidden exit to the temple. If you are bitten or crushed you will die, so find the exit before your torches run out.

2. Egypt
Like their Middle Eastern cousins, most Egyptian snakes inhabit ancient temples and tombs. You will not find a multitude of species here, however, as all of the snakes in Egypt are cobras. There are two main types of cobras in Egypt: spitting cobras and the King Cobra. The gaze of the wily King Cobra can hypnotize you in seconds. DO NOT look directly into his eyes or he will hypnotize you into thinking you're a chicken. Once you think you're a chicken, the King Cobra will eat you, because that is his favorite meal.

The King Cobra rules over the spitting cobras of Egypt. Like the King Cobra, DO NOT make eye contact with a spitting cobra. If you do, it will think you want to fight, and it will try to provoke a fight by spitting on you. Just walk away! If you fight the spitting cobra, you will be no better than it is. Also you will die.

3. The Old West
Rattlesnakes are a popular snake in The Old West. Luckily, these snakes only bite ankles, so a good pair of cowboy boots will protect you from being bitten. Of course, how often do you put on your boots when you head to the outhouse at 2 am?

If you are bitten by a rattlesnake, simply take off your shirt and tie it above the wound to prevent the poison from spreading. Send your dog or your mule for help while you make a crude splint for your leg from broken tree branches. The splint won't help, but your rescuers won't wonder why you couldn't walk back to town on your own if they see it on your leg.

4. Elementary School Art Classes
Generally these snakes are not real, but rather clay ropes coiled up into the shape of a pot or an ashtray. While these snakes are not dangerous, they still should be avoided. If your child returns home with one of these snakes, simply place it on the kitchen table for two weeks. After two weeks, throw the "snake" away. If the child asks what happened to it, simply state, "nature works in mysterious ways." Most kids are satisfied with that remark.

4 Strange Places That Holy Images Have Appeared

1. Jesus in Jamie Farr's Chest Hair
Post-M*A*S*H. and pre-After M*A*S*H., Jamie Farr and his cohorts partied across America. One morning he awoke from a particularly hard night of drinking and noticed a vague figure etched in his chest. It was the son of God, resplendent in Jamie's curly black locks. The hair grew back within a month and the Holy image faded, but for a month he was the toast of Christiantown. There were rumors that Dom DeLuise had created the image with his electric shaver after Jamie passed out, but Dom denied that rumor to his grave.

2. Buddha in a Bowl of Corn Chowder
Tuesday, November 13, 1997 started like any other day for Smitty Gopherson. He went down to Lou's Diner, had the breakfast special and read the Harperton Gazette, then fell asleep at his booth. He woke promptly at noon, revived by the smell of the piping hot corn chowder brought to him by his waitress Alice. But the corn chowder was different this day, as the visage of the smiling Buddha met him. Smitty quickly whipped out his sketchbook and drew the portly god, then ate the chowder as was his custom. The sketchbook remains in the Harperton Museum and Tire Shop to this very day.

3. Thor at The Apollo Theater
In 1991, Sinbad filled the Apollo Theater like no other performer in its vaunted history. But on July 24, 1991, his performance was upstaged by the greatest Norse god turned comic book hero: Thor. Just as Sinbad began his third encore, his shadow cast on the stage wall by the lights took the form of the hammer-wielding god. Sinbad screamed for the lights to be dimmed, but the image remained behind, mystically burned into the wall for years. It was only when when singer/star Jadakiss refused to go on stage with the image that it was washed off.

4. Tiny Moses on The Shroud of Turin
The Shroud of Turin is most famous for having Jesus on it, but several years back, a more startling discovery was made: the image of a tiny Moses holding a kitten. Only four inches high, the image was never seen as the focus of researchers was always Jesus. But Moses can clearly be seen between the third and fourth folds of the Jesus' robes, holding a tiny Siamese kitten and stroking its head as the cat purrs. Some researchers believe it is not actually Moses, but rather veteran actor Joe Don Baker wearing a monocle.

3 Kung Fu Moves That Can Kill You And 1 That Can't

3 that could kill you:

1. Charming Octopus.

Tuck your thumbs into your palms and spread out your fingers, wiggling them as would an octopus. Wink at your opponent in a disarming fashion. When your opponent smiles or winks back, attack with the octopus moves of Tentacle Wrap, Beak Attack, and Ink Squirt.

2. Hesitant Tiger

First, go into Deadly Tiger. Then stop and scratch your head with finger and make a quizzical face at your opponent. Then go to into Deadly Tiger again. Repeat until your opponent laughs at your comical gestures, then strike with the real Deadly Tiger, killing your opponent instantly.

3. The Peculiar Toad

Take a giant breath, then breathe the air into your neck, filling it like a toad's neck. Leap high into the air and descend upon your opponent. Attack with your fists and your feet until your opponent is defeated. Then release the air from your neck.

And 1 That Can't

1. The Feathered Cuckold

Marry a much younger, more attractive woman, then wait for her to find congress with another man. Place a feathered cap on your head and declare war on a rival Kung Fu gang.

9 Sexual Positions Banned In All 48 States

1. The Frolicking Bishop
2. The Apple Dumpling Gang
3. The Jelly Roll
4. The Electric Slide
5. The Hugh Grant
6. Hammer and Tongs
7. The Peruvian Ambassador
8. The Hungry Hungry Hippo
9. The Kingston Trio
   

4 Facts You Didn't Know About Edgar Allen Poe

1. Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" almost wasn't about a raven at all. Poe had an irrational fear of hedgehogs and would often tell stories of being stalked by them. Poe's editor made him change "The Hedgehog" to "The Raven", convincing Poe that most people were not afraid of hedgehogs. The hedgehog in the original penning of the story croaked, "Fiddle-dee-dee, look at me". This was also determined by the savvy editor as non-threatening and was changed to the ominous "Nevermore".
2. Edgar Allen Poe makes a brief cameo in the movie "The Black Cat From Hell" (based on his story "The Black Cat"). In it he plays Phineas Terwhittaker, the animal groomer. Near the beginning of the movie, Phineas is brushing the cat's fur when he sees the cat's eyes glow red. "Aye, that cat's got the devil in him, he does," utters Phineas. The cat lets out a dreadful hiss, causing Phineas to double over in pain, blood pouring from his ears. Luckily, the cat stops, and Phineas is able to finish grooming the soulless beast.
3. Edgar Allen Poe had a hat for every day of the week. On Mondays, he wore a top hat made of finest silk from the Orient. Wednesday's hat was a magnificent tricorn adorned with peacock feathers and small turtles carved from obsidian. Saturday's hat was made from dried apricots and radishes and stuffed with straw. It had to be remade several times a year.
4. 'The Tell-Tale Heart" was based on an actual event. Only the heart was not buried under the floorboards, it was under Poe's bed. And it wasn't an actual heart, but his alarm clock that he knocked over during a particularly hard night of opium smoking. Also, he never found it at all, and it stopped ticking after a few weeks.